Bittersweet

"Isn't it hard on you that your husband is gone all the time?" or the "How do you handle being home alone so often while he is out on the road?", coupled with a face of either disapproval, concern, or sympathy. I get this at least once a week.

I married a musician who stuck with his dream and faithfully turned a childhood hobby into a lifelong profession. With that comes a lot of uncharted and unfamiliar territory for the naive girl by his side. This means our schedules are totally opposite, and he is usually on the road anywhere from 3-5 days a week. When he's gone I get a good morning text, an afternoon call, and finally the most important call sometime between 1-3 am. (Are you coveting me yet?) Sometimes on really good days we IM or text randomly throughout while he is riding in the van to his next destination. (Glamorous, huh?) Another perk of being the wife of a driven musician is the ever so popular job of being the only parent to our little one for days at a time. There is no, "You wait until your father gets home.", because I know it could be awhile. I get the weekend chores to do alone; along with the worries of the presumptuous girls who consider themselves "with the band".

You may or may not be making your own judgements as you read this; but in my mind there is a hint of a silver lining.

I am privileged to stand beside a man who didn't settle. I have been there with him when he literally had nothing, and I heard his protests when so many told him he couldn't. I've been there with him when he tried the 9-5. I saw his face when he came home stripped of his joy every single day of that long year. I've seen him stand firm in his choices, and be more deliberate about his life than many people our age.

In a world where so many allow their job to pick them, or simply surrender themselves to a "successful" career; I feel sad. I especially feel sad for men who are doing something for which they were never made, and it shows on their face. Those men find Chris often. They approach him at church, at a bar, or in a group of friends. They each share their stories with a look of defeat in their eyes about how they always wanted to pursue a God given passion but-for one reason or another-they gave up. They tell him about the breaking point somewhere along the line when they got scared of failure or listened to someone telling them they couldn't.

I was drawn to his passion from the beginning. I respect the drive he has for something he loves. He stuck true to a calling that runs deep in his veins, never wavering by the judgement of others. He is doing exactly what he was made to do, and for that I could never be more proud.

Legacy

Loving...I learned this from my Nannie. She loves unconditionally without a single request in return. Her voice drips of love when she speaks, never a harsh word thrown in your direction. She greets you with a hug and when her soft hands pat you so gently you instantly feel at ease. She loves purely, and I hope someday people say that about me.

Serving...I learned this from my Dale. He is an expert at this. From taking me bowling and letting me jam out to Ace of Base in his car as a little girl; to two hour math tutoring sessions every single night when I was in high school; to driving hours in the snow when I was in college just to bring me home for my first birthday away from home. He served us completely, with no ulterior motive, just to show us his love. He serves completely, and I hope one day people can say that about me.

Sacrifice...I learned this from my Mom. She never puts herself first. She meets the needs of others and runs to the rescue with no excuses. Growing up we had everything, while she often went without. When she hears of a need about someone she may not even really know; she gives her time, money and talents in an attempt to give them just a moments relief. Her actions speak louder than words. She sacrifices selflessly, and I hope someday people can say that about me.

What is your legacy?

Life is Good

So after three weeks off from work, one really nasty dog bite to my sweet girl, and both Mommy and Daddy being sick in the mix...we are finally getting back in our normal groove around here. And Gracie, well she is like practically a teenager. She is cracking us up with her dazzling personality and silly little sense of humor.

Here is some of the latest news from the Gracie world:

* She started walking on July 6th, 2009. She has been VERY close to walking for awhile now and just hadn't worked up the courage to do it yet. I had been working with her everyday hoping she would make her big debut while I was home with her during the day. Guess what, she did!! Would you like to know what made her walk?? She had a fun pink keyboard in her closet that I hadn't gotten out for her yet, and when I did that was plenty of motivation for that little music lover to just walk on over to check it out. I was so proud of her.

* She is obsessed with animals, especially dogs. You can ask, "Gracie, what does a dog say?" She immediately responds, "Woo Woo". Needless to say, when she got bit by a not so child-friendly dog a couple of weeks ago, we thought it might deter her fascination. Nope. She is still obsessed.

* Some of her current favorites things are: twisty, bright straws for her drinks; turning anything into a necklace (she uses her imagination to go as far as grabbing a phone charger out of the wall); her alphabet magnets; going to the park and swinging; watching her favorite show, "Between the Lions"; being chased; crayons; swimming; and singing, "La, La, La, La." Some of her favorites words are; "Da-do, Bye-Bye, Hello, Wow!, Mama, Gigi, her version of Yee-haw" (which is pronounced woo-haa) and asking "What's that?" about everything. At 14 months, she is teaching me more about life than I could ever teach her.

Commitment

Y'all, I've been busy....and thus, you're still looking at my post from 1952-- those of you who haven't given up on me. Life has been a little crazy around our house, and I just started thinking the other day how much I missed my blogging. Writing is something I really love and also I want to keep writing for Gracie as well. I want her to be able to look back and read the thoughts of her crazy mama. I want her to know all the things I may forget to tell her later. So take a deep breath ladies and gentlemen...I'm back in the game.

I miss my friends

*** Disclaimer: If you think sororities are dumb, or if you have ever thought of us as people who pay for our friends, just go on ahead and click on another link. I won't be mad. If you are anyone else, allow me to explain.

This weekend I have been feeling very sorry for myself nostalgic.

I miss my friends. By friends I mean the ones who lived with me in Small Town, Oklahoma in a dorm hall with a red door and an owl painted on the sidewalk. The girls who I shared everything with, including the two Greek letters on the front of all of my t-shirts.

Last night, I made the mistake of looking at my college website (who does that anyway) and then from there I curiously navigated to the home page of the Phi Theta chapter of Chi Omega. I began to glance through dozen of pictures. Pictures from rush, formals, date parties, football games, Homecoming, etc. As I clicked away, my heart ached a little bit. It seemed as if something was missing in each picture I saw. The events and the backgrounds were all the same, but the faces were all different. New girls had taken the places of where my best friends and I once stood with the same smiling faces. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, I miss them.

I miss:
-living on the same floor with all of my best friends
-having about 20 closets from which to choose my daily wardrobe
-driving around town with our 55 cent Diet Dr. Peppers from Docs with the music blaring
-Dance parties in our dorm rooms
-The second floor :)
-Walking to class and meeting at the fountain
-$3 movie nights
-Darla the ghost
-Chi Omega family craziness
-Wintersmith Park
-twin beds that could be moved into a million different arrangements
-Homecoming floats
-Annie
-The Cafo
-Intramurals
-Stalking
-Chi Omega Choo Choo
-Daylight at Midnight
-Must I go on???

My favorite memories are from the everyday. Those were the good old days, and I didn't even know it. I am who I am today because of the time I spent with them.

X and a horseshoe, Chi-O.

One.

Your little life has been fleeting, but you've made more of an impact than most ever will in just a short year. The past year has been a peek inside a story so much bigger than me. A story that is being written in spite of myself. Your tiny little existence has influenced a change in a well-laden path for all generations who will come after you. And to think, you began this change even before you took your first breath.

A new life meant that we were no longer the main characters in our self absorbed stories. You gave us a reason to fight, a reason to be better. When you were growing inside of me we learned a whole new way to love. We decided that reverting back to our old, broken ways of doing things was no longer who we would choose to be anymore. No more defaults, only deliberate choices laid ahead for us. Your existence has been the catalyst in a new chapter being written in our lives. One where rebuilding ancient ruins has been accomplished; and your little life, my sweet daughter, was the first stone laid on the path towards restoration.

With each passing day I get to wake up and see you here, I see the true power of an all-knowing God. A God who extends love to the broken and grace to the undeserving.

Happy Birthday Grace Ann Bullard. One year of you is way more than I deserve.

Eleven months and counting...

Eleven months old is what you are. That is a big accomplishment.

The days of you being here on this Earth in months are getting to be very few. You are about to have a whole year under your belt, sweet girl. One whole year of you! A wise mother once told me; “The days are long, but the years are short.” Now, as your mother, I feel that to be very true.

I love you more each minute.