The Stuffing

We just stuff it all down. Maybe that is what we think we are supposed to do. We pile it into every nook and cranny of our soul. We hide our secrets, our addictions, our shame, and the lies that exist inside of us in the form of insecurities. We think we hide it all so well, but in the process of the stuffing we lose ourselves. Each person has their own reason to justify this survival tactic. Whether it is learned from the example of a family who knew it as the only way to cope, or its just something you've created for yourself as you selfishly hide from your own fears. Whatever the reason, known or unknown, it is there.

We hold on so tightly sometimes that we are too naive to recognize our own sickness. We even attempt to fill our lives so full that maybe we just won't even have to think about it at all. And the worst of it isn't even in the act of what we're doing, but the in the fact that we think we must. In order to be accepted by others, ourselves, or even God we stuff it so tight we can't breath; but even this doesn't stop us. On the outside we try and paint life as a pretty picture of an otherwise false existence.

But why? The thought of the facade makes me want to scream. But how can I? How can I judge this? This is coming from someone who less that a year ago had myself so stuffed with junk that, in turn, I created my own worst nightmare. I went around believing the lies of my own independence and strength without one ounce of real truth peeping through. I held on tight to this illusion of normalcy until, through a vessel of my own choices, I could go no further. It took circumstances that reached painfully into corners of my soul long covered up, and seemingly lost, for me to come to my crossroad. One where I could finally stop hiding behind one false identity after another. I cautiously approached the darkest doors to my heart and prayed that God would be waiting on the other side when I finally got the courage to open them up.

Unwillingly, but so gratefully, I realized for the first time that there was never any box in which I had to make myself fit. I see clearly that all the mistakes and junk in the world could never be too much, and it was never even my job to pack it away so carefully. I once again have found parts of my heart that I thought were gone. Joyfully, I know never again will I miss out on my truest self. I can now cling to my real life. The one that was paid in full for me to live victoriously.
Slowly, through so much undeserved love and healing, a beautiful light is finally able to shine. It is shining brightest on the places of my soul that have been entirely covered since childhood. Places long forgotten and largely overgrown are alive again. Since the light has come in I know I could never, ever go back. And really, despite myself, all that time my stuffing was never too heavy. Not for a man who carried a wooden cross up a treacherous hill, just for me, His beloved daughter.

***This post was inspired by the author of a beautifully written book, "The Shack." Hearing Wm. Paul Young speak was an amazing experience that I will always remember. He was so full of something people in a lost world are trying so desperately to find. The book is phenomenal. Once you hear him talk about his part in the story, all the controversy surrounding the book quickly diminishes. A cool part of this God story is that he wrote the book mostly on a train while commuting to one of his three jobs. His intention was to only give the story as a Christmas gift for his children so that they could know the deepest parts of him. Paul never really intended on becoming a writer when he printed a mere 15 copies at Office Depot after Christmas, mind you, because he couldn't actually afford it before. Little did Paul know that 4 million copies of that same book later, God would use his words to tell a redemptive story. One that would reach so many of God's own children all over the world. It is fiction, but based on Paul Young's heartbreak as a child and a relationship with the God he understood as a man. Paul was amazing, but his passion for Christ was even more riveting. It just shows that apart from God, we can do nothing.